Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Letting It Out

Today I am feeling overwhelmed and just needed a place to put my thoughts for the night!

Even though Camden is just over one year old, going back to work has made me realize how much I took being a Mom for granted. I know, just because I went back to work doesn't mean I am any less of a mom, it just helped me realize what I love.

I love hearing Cam's first cry in the morning, wishing I could still be sleeping, but getting up to see him because I am a mom and that's what I do.

I love trying to sneak a kiss from him while he shakes his head "no" with a huge grin.

I love calling Dan to complain about the naughty things "his" son has done.

I love asking Camden if he is ready to go "nigh night" and he immediately blows kisses and heads for his room.

Today I was running an errand at work and on the way to my destination I saw a Dad trying to console his 16 month old and entertain his 5 year old. Recognizing the look of pure exhaustion on his face I made a pit stop and got them a box of crayons and a coloring book. The kids attention immediately turned to this new "gift" and Dad's to thank me. As stupid as it was, I couldn't hold back the tears when I walked away. It made me miss my boy. I may never say this again, but for that moment I missed wrestling with a tired toddler, I missed consoling an exhausted child, I missed being at home with Camden.

Tomorrow is his first day with his "real babysitter", I don't know what to feel. I feel scared they won't connect. I feel nervous he won't nap and will be super ornery. I feel bad waking him up earlier than normal to get dressed. I feel worried that he might be sad. I feel jealous that I might miss something funny he does. I feel mad because I can't be home with him.

But this is life for now, and it could be worse. So for now I will put my feelings here and leave them to worry about another day. Because after tomorrow and I am home with him for four straight days, and I just might be feeling otherwise.


Tawnya said...

Motherhood absolutely changes what you think is important. Good job on the crayons and coloring book! You're so thoughtful.

amy said...

I'm sorry you have to leave him. Been there, done that. It's not easy. I worked until Rex was one. And I have to confess, once I started staying home I secretly wished for a few days at work....or maybe it was a few days at a spa.


Oh Lissa....you are just behaving like a mom!!!

Kenzie said...

I know how you feel! I went back to work for a couple days just to help my office out and on the second day of picking Krew up I was just so happy to see him and spend every second with him. I realized that a bad day at home sure beats a good day at work. And who are you buying color books and crayons? You truly are one of the most thoughtful kind people i've ever met! I've always wanted to be more like you!

Debbie said...

It is sooo hard to leave our little ones, but makes you treasure your time together better. How sweet of you to help out that poor dad. You're so good like that.

lani said...

You are so cute!! I can only imagine how grateful that dad was when you showed up with the crayons and book!! You are soo awesome!

Rebecca said...

(I'm very behind on blog reading...) I'm sorry you had to go back to work. When I work for just a few hours or a half day I miss mine so much I can't stand it! :( You are a wonderful Mom and what a great random act of kindness to that dad. {{{hugs}}}

fivewalkers said...

Changing up the routine is always hard for you and kiddos. You are totally normal for all of your feelings. Don't worry too much Cam is the cutest little boy and he will adjust.
You are so thoughtful to get that gift for a complete stranger. Pay it forward will find it's way back to you!! Good luck!!

Heather said...

Lissa, I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same thing when I had Finn. The grass is always greener on the other side. Today I am wishing I had a job to go to. Neelah has put everything from sippy cups to shoes to the dog's water dish in the trash can. She is out of control!! I love her. Reading your post makes me thankful and not too upset that my kids drive me nuts! Thanks!