Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Feeling Jumbled

Sometimes I feel like I can't explain the way I feel.  It's as if what I'm feeling contradicts itself.

Last week I received a Christmas card in the mail from a neighbor who I serve with in the Young Women's program.  She had sent one addressed to my parents, and another addressed to my little family of 4.  I wasn't quite sure why I was so grateful for this card until later that evening. 

I guess it started while I was attending the Relief Society Christmas party.  The evening was very well thought out, and had a sweet spirit along with it.  I knew several other women there and I definitely didn't feel alone.  But during the middle of the program I felt very out of place.  It felt like I had nothing in common with those people around me.  I felt like they could never understand where I was coming from and vice versa.  That's when my bad attitude started to creep in.  I didn't want to be there.  I didn't want to be in Idaho anymore.

As I walked towards the door to leave, I happened to pass the person who sent the Christmas card I opened earlier that day.  I couldn't help but thank her for sending me a card.  I told her it was very sweet to address one separately, just for me.  Another lady overheard and asked her why she did that.  Why she used another stamp if we live in the same house.  She explained how she felt that she had lost her identity when she lived with her in-laws for a period of time.  She didn't want me to feel that way.

I fought back the tears in front of her that night but came home, curled up in my bed and let them fall.  And that is when the contradiction started.

I am happier with life more right now, than I have been in a long time. I am mentally in a place that feels so good.  I love being so much closer to family and seeing my kids get to know them better.  Dan's job here was an answer to so many prayers.  I feel so blessed to have the support and help of my parents and little brother. They have made it so easy to live here and I can see how hard they've tried to let us be our own family.  I honestly feel like I can't complain about how things are.

At the exact same time I feel like life is in limbo.  I feel chaotic and out of place.  I'm hoping to strike gold and get a place of our own.  I miss my routine and my own life in Arizona.  I miss our ward and friends.  I feel guilty for the convenience of having "built-in" babysitters.

The thought of putting my feelings together confuses me to the core.  I guess it is sort of losing your identity.  But at the same time, I feel like I've found the identity I have spent the last few years searching for.


{amy k.} said...

that can definitely be tough. but i am glad you are at a happy place, that is comforting... just roll with that! :)

Amee said...

I hate limbo.... It's the worst. You are so awesome and I hope you find a place soon too. However, now that I have Palmer I'm thinking built in babysitter would be great. :) (it probably sounds better than it is) It's funny how sometimes we get answers to our prayers and know that you did what you were supposed to do but at the same time think "Is this really what we were supposed to do?" Well Good Luck and I love ya tonz :)

Tawnya said...

It's hard to take the good with the bad. We miss you guys and know it'll all work out, even if it takes some growing pains.

Star said...

It was almost unnerving to see that the first line of this blog post reflects my mind a lot of the time. =s

I'm sorry to hear that, like the commenters before me have said, it does sound like you're in limbo. But I do also think that more often than not, its better to be in a mentally good place even if your physical place isn't that great, rather than vice versa. Unless you're in jail or something lol. The lady who sent your Christmas card was so empathetic. What a thoughtful gesture.

Finally, about losing yourself and finding yourself at the same time - maybe, in a really weird self-discovery way, it was what you needed. But then what do I know, I'm in my late teens. =] I hope you keep finding better places on your self-discovery route.

DontYouWishYouWereUS said...

Beautifully put. I want to thank you for sharing, it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and you have great courage. I love you, you are a dear friend and I appreciate our friendship and you for sharing your life and thoughts with me, I am blessed to be your friend.